On Break Ups

this song fits these words…

And you wonder just when exactly things started to go wrong.  And then, even more depressingly, you wonder if things were ever right in the first place.  And even though you know it’s for the best, it still hurts.  The morning after it’s finally over, perhaps a month after it should have been, the world is a new place.  You are free to do anything you’d like.  It’s a new beginning.  Freedom from responsibility and accountability.  You don’t have to worry about being hurt, or hurting someone else.  Someone you might still really care about.  You can smile at that cutie on the train, and not vaguely wonder whether or not it’s a good idea.  You can take up jogging, or finally give up smoking, get back to that neglected reading list…or get back to the seriousness of writing that book you’ve been working on.

The sunshine will probably be smiling at you on this particular morning, and you will feel very alive.  But then something will remind you of her.  Probably a song you hear in passing, or maybe a particular sundress that looks just like hers.  But without a doubt, something will sneak up on you.  And you will be sad, even though you know better.  And you will struggle to walk the fine line of not needing the validation of another person’s love; and striving to be a person worthy of adoration.

And the next day, you will wake up alone, and you will remember just how much you enjoyed waking up next to her.  So comfortable, so safe.  So happy.  You’ll remember her gentle breathing and the hint of a smile on her face as she dreams.  And you might have wondered just what it was that she was dreaming of, and though you might not tell her so, you’ll secretly hope she was dreaming of you.

You won’t really remember the bad times so much right now.  That might come later, or that part might just fade away.  You’ll remember things like the rush you got from seeing her name on the caller ID when she lit up your phone, just to send a smiley face on a random Tuesday afternoon.  You’ll remember the way you made her smile when you made coffee and made her bed in the mornings as you both scrambled to get ready for work.  You’ll remember the way she squeezed your hand when you were together at a concert, saying, “hi, I know we’re in the crowded place having fun with all these friends, but I’m thinking of you.”

And even though you know it’s for the best, you can still be lonely.  And when I say “you” I mean “me”.  I am so incredibly lonely right now.

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4 responses to “On Break Ups

  1. I’ve been going through this the past couple weeks. Hang in there! Beautifully written post, by the way.

  2. I enjoyed the honesty and vulnerability in your voice this post. Here is a song for you, enjoy :)

  3. I’ve let this post sit in my reader for a while now. I know how beautifully you write and I know your talent for making the reader feel what you feel. I had to hide from that for a while.
    Finally, I click, only to find my current musical obsession here waiting on me. A kick to the gut that made me smile and once again I wish we were actual friends and that I wasn’t just the fan girl that I am.

    Time has passed since this was posted, I hope your wounds are mending

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